to be a mama. (Letters to my children)

Dear daughters,

God told me He loved me. I read it in His word. I always believed it. I Never turned away. It’s always been more true than the breath in my lungs.

But when your daddy gave me his love, I felt God say, “Now you will learn to live.”

And when I first looked in your eyes, Izzy, I saw Jesus. He said, “Katie, I trust you with this lovely little one. She will teach you how to be brave.”

Eva, I was terrified to be your mama. I spent many nights afraid. And each time, the Lord whispered in my ear, “I gave you this one special. She will teach you how to delight.”

When I hold you, my girls, I know that the Lord is holding me. I always knew He was real, but through you two, I feel Him. I feel His love.

And I love being your mama.

I love getting up in the middle of the night. Not because it’s easy, but because you need me and I am able to be there.

I love the long, tiring days. Not because they are easy, but because I am teaching you now how to be brave. How to delight. How to live.

All I do, I do for you. That you will ultimately know the love of the Savior that gave you to me. It’s all about Him.

It’s about now. It’s about eternity. Every step. A building block upon the one set before it. Every little thing I do for you, a treasure uncovered, a jewel tucked away, powerful words that will return when you need them most.

Not because I was ever strong enough. But because He gave you to me and He makes me strong. And as I hope you will one day realize, a mama can do almost anything. Those songs that talk about crossing mountains and oceans take on a whole new meaning now.

Because I would for you.

But for now, all you need me to do is play dollhouse and Mr. Potato head. And so… I will. For you.

Peptalk.

I needed to give myself a pep-talk this morning. I’ve been in a funk for two days now. All you mamas know. So… as one child cries because I poured out her juice and it’s “Gone foreber!” and the other asks me over and over again to play leggos…

1. Thank you Lord that my kids are healthy and curious enough to follow me around asking a gazillion questions.

2. Thank you Lord that my kids have toys to play with, and for those sweet little voices begging me to play with them.

3. Thank you Lord for the enormous pile of dirty laundry because it means that my family has clothes to wear.

4. Thank you Lord for the never-ending supply of dirty dishes because it means that my family eats regularly all the time.

5. Thank you Lord that my husband not only has a job, but a job that he loves, doing what he loves to do.

Thank you Lord for putting me exactly where I always wanted to be, and where I would gladly choose to be if given the choice.

Now… off to play.

In honor.

In honor of Jan Stuart.

I first met her in 2000. I moved into Simpson to start life as a college student, and her daughter, Sandy, was my roommate. Sandy quickly became an important part of my life, as did her sister Amber and her mother, Jan. I only saw Jan a few times in my life, but each time she made such a lasting impression. She felt like family.

Sandy went on to babysit my sisters whenever I was unable too, and was there throughout many of my little sisters milestones. Her mother was always there encouraging, sending messages through Sandy, and always offering a hug those few times I saw her. Sandy was in my wedding as a bridesmaid. Her mother sent warm wishes and was so excited that I was marrying Nick Ristow, someone she actually knew before I did. Our families seemed to be the type that always had a connection of some sort, even though we had never officially met before Simpson.

And Jan always remembered the last conversation we had had. She always asked about my sisters, about my mom, about Nick. She always had a hug for me. I will forever remember her hugs. Jan didn’t have a lot of strength due to some health problems, and so her hugs were so soft and so gentle and so very full of motherly affection. I don’t know if it’s true, but I imagine she was a distant mother to a lot of people.

Jan had an innocence about her that drew people in. They wanted to be close to her because they felt as if she cared. They knew she cared.

Of course, all of this I write from having only a few interactions with her spread out over the course of eleven years. But in those eleven years, she made me feel as if she cared about me. She was a very real person.

Jan sent love and prayers to me when I lost my own precious mom.

On August 6, Jan passed away in a house fire. Her legacy will be carried on through her husband Joe, her 3 daughters, son- in- laws, and grandchildren. Please lift up prayers to Jesus for this family that has lost so much. Their pain is great as they struggle with the sudden loss of someone so precious.

Their home was also lost in the fire, along with precious irreplaceable items. Their loss is great. In talking with Sandy, I asked her how people can help. She said that the family is in need of everything right now. Items that were in the fire, such as clothing and necessities need to be replaced. They also need money for food, and money for unexpected expenses that this tragedy caused. The daughters, son-in-laws, and grandchildren need money to pay for travel expenses as they drive long distances back and forth between their homes. .

If you would like to help, please send monetary gifts and/ or encouraging cards and letters to:

The Stuart Family, 49725 Hwy 96, Seiad Valley, Ca, 96086.

Also, feel free to comment encouragement and support here on this blog post for the family to read. Thank you for your prayers.

For Jan. Who can finally dance. She can walk, run, leap. She can do things she hasn’t been able to do in a long time. She and my mom both, together, praising Jesus.

Jan and family at Christmas

just a few minutes…

I watched this video because someone I knew was in it. I had no idea that it would speak to me. It speaks to me because I know that there are people in my life that have no idea how much they are worth.

They wonder if waking up is even worth it.

They wonder if the pain will ever stop.

They wonder if there will ever be an end to loss.

Please take a few minutes to watch this video. Get out the kleenex. But in a good way. I wasn’t feeling down or anything. This has been a good week, and I’m feeling great about things. But there’s just something at the end of this video that just made me smile and well up with tears.

If you’re a parent, you are valuable.

If you’re alone, you’re valuable.

If you are young and able, you’re valuable.

If you’re old and unable, you’re valuable.

Because God says so. Wow.

Watch here.

I am a parent…

I was a guest writer over at Earth Monkeys last week.

If you missed the post, just click here and it will take you to it.