Beautiful Man.

Take it all. Take it all. Just give me Jesus.

Everything I have that’s worth anything came from Him. Because of His great love. I stand here only because He has lifted me. I walk away from the grave only because He breathed life into me. I can lift my head from the disgusting mire, only because His hand touches my chin and says, “Look up to the hills. That’s where your hope comes from.”

I don’t want any other love. I don’t want any other lovers.

Because every good and perfect gift comes from Him. My mother. My babies. My husband. My friends. In loving them, I am loving Him, the only one that knows my soul.

All my devotion belongs to this Man. All my devotion belongs to this Man. I choose His way because I don’t know any other way. Because I don’t want any other way.

Because He breathes life into dry bones, fusing the tendons and muscles back together, causing blood to flow, and the heart to beat, forming skin and beauty over what was dead. Rotting. Decayed. The miraculous redeeming a curse.

What are your dry bones? What do you need resurrected? Today, Lord, I am Yours. Wholeheartedly, completely, take all I am and make it Yours. You can have it all, just give me Jesus. For in Him, is the fullness of everything else. And my heart overflows.

Yummy Carcinogens

This might amount to nothing more than ramblings, but here I go anyway.

The past week and a half of my life has been pretty amazing. A lot of new changes. New friendships. New family. It’s also been full of a lot of mistakes, some hurt, some confusion. I know we’re all human. And we all make mistakes. And that I have been forgiven much. Even this week. I was forgiven for something really foolish. But I really hate, I mean hate, when I see those I care about most getting hurt by people in the church… Especially when I am just as guilty. Sigh.

So.. this scripture is for you, those that have been hurt, and for those that are hypocrites, of which I am chief.

“For if you remain completely silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will die. Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” Ester 4:14.

So what I take from that is…

You might not be in a situation you chose to be in, surrounded by people you don’t want to be with, having to make a decision that you don’t want to make and don’t feel worthy to make… but perhaps, yikes, God put you there. Just as He put Esther, a lowly descendant of a slave nation, in the seat of royalty… so she could save an entire race of people. I’m not saying God purposed for you to be miserable, I’m just saying, that maybe… just maybe… of all the people on this planet, He chose YOU to be right where you are because you were the one He wanted to get the job done. And that just kind of makes me feel… worthy in God’s eyes. Good enough for Him. Forgiven. Ready to face the next critic.

Or maybe you’re stomping all over some fellow brothers and sisters and you need to stop it. Right now. Step back, get your stuff in order, and get back to work loving on people. They will know you by your love…

So I’m helping with worship yesterday and a little distracted by stuff and I start listening to the words I’m singing.

Oh clap your hands all you people. Shout unto God with triumph.

Everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss. Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out.

Draw me to my knees, Lord I lay me down.

I will sing a song of hope, sing along, God of heaven come down, heaven come down.

Just to know that you are near is enough.

And I’m reminded that God is bigger. This may not be enough for your science driven theology, or your logic driven cynicism. But for me, having walked in the valley of the shadow of death, I KNOW it’s true. My God is bigger. And I am here for such a time as this.

And because God is bigger, despite all the yuck, I’ve had a great couple of days. Hence the picture below where I am roasting marshmallows over the stove. Yeah, it did smell really bad.

Yummy Carcinogens

I promise

I miss my mom so badly.

Tonight I am watching So You think You Can Dance, and there is a dance about a woman that does not have a spine. She is unable to move without her partner. He is her arms and legs, moving her in the fluid motion of dance. And with his help, she is graceful and beautiful.

I’m not sure why that made me think of my mom. But it did. It made me think of those days at the end, when she could do nothing for herself. When she would want to walk, but couldn’t. My dad would rush to the bedroom to catch her before she fell. Or to pick her up once she had fallen. When she wanted to talk, but couldn’t make her voice work. Those days were not beautiful. Or at least I could not see the beauty in it then.

I see it now.

It’s the “for better or for worse” part of marriage.

my parents. 31 years ago.

When we get married and we say those vows, do we really picture going through the “worse” with our spouse? Do we know that what we are promising is to care and love and preserve dignity and faithfulness even when cancer has rendered the other unable to . . . to do . . . anything?

I never saw my parent’s marriage in that light before. My mom was always strong and tough and never the one to show weakness. I never saw my dad carry her. I never saw my dad feed her. Or brush her hair. Before then, I had never seen my mother turn to my dad and cry with all her heart, “I don’t want to leave you.”

In those moments, there were also glimpses of the “for better” promise.

I can do this because I love you.

I can do this because I gave you my word.

I can do this because you are apart of me.

I serve you because, in serving you, I am serving my heart.

Oh the pain. I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but . . . like a moan the word just comes out. Oh . . .

The ring on my finger represents so much. The ring on my finger is not just a diamond. It is a promise of my very life. To my dying breath I will love and serve you. To your dying breath I will love and serve you.

Were I the woman that I am now at my wedding, the service would have looked much different.

I would have walked barefoot as a symbol of my submission- not submission to an authority that wants to dominate. Submission as in trusting the one who holds my heart. I would have washed my beloved’s feet, as a symbol that I will serve him even when it’s not pretty. That I will forever put him before myself. My vows would have sounded so much more different.

Starting today, I give you all me. I will wake up every morning from now until forever and will love you. I will celebrate when your dreams come true. I will serve you enough to NOT let you walk away from your dreams even when my own heart is breaking. I will trust you even when I do not see what you see. I will give you my firsts. I will hold the pieces of your heart when you are betrayed. I will stand beside you when you are attacked and abandoned. I will forgive you. I will walk through that fire with you, whatever form it may take, and I will rip out the roots of fear because the spirit of the Living God is upon us, you and me, as we become one.

me and my man. august 16, 2003.

My seven year anniversary is approaching.

I plead with God to give me more than a lifetime with Nick Ristow.

And I plead with God, on my knees with groanings that cannot be uttered, that cancer NEVER touches my family again.